when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
