Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
