Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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