She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
