Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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