what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
