You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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