i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
