I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
