Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
