I'm so fucking centered right now
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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