I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
my nose is crying tears of wow.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
