I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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