yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
