Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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