it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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