just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
