I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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