This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
