why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
