I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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