No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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