i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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