i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
one might say we're banned from that church
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
