The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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