So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
