I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
