Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
