Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
