Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
