we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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