I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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