Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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