i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Text me some of your sweat
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
