Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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