Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
