If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
