if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
