You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
