Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
