His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
