her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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