you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
