I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
