If i come over, it means nothing
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
