We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i out mim tonsoeep
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
