broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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