She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Actions speak louder than pants.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
