he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
