Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
