And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
